it doesnt rain it pours

well it doesnt rain it our house, in fact it doesnt pour, we have bloody hurricanes! no really we do! well as you may see from yesterdays post we feel a bit sad at the mo, in fact i would say at the moment, with advise from my doctor that i am suffering from deppression! i feel a bit like i am useless, i am the one suppose to be strong, the transplant co ordinator was getting dates from birmingham this week and was due to ring us, she hadn't so i just rang her, but she is off sick and they dont know how long for, so i'm not sure who is doing her job at the moment, so that is another set back, we were hoping to have an update this week! well yesterday i went to see my doctor, i was in a right state, worrying about work, panicing, and basically just crying and feeling bad about everything going on in our lives at the mo, i feel like i am in a black hole i cant climb out of at the moment, when i see people i just smile and be my usual chirpy self, then come home and just be myself again, depressed. i am finding information from the nhs hard to get, we asked about how dialysis affects fertility, we were told, "urm not a great chance of getting pregnant on dialysis, we dont really know" so i sat up all night looking into it, there is no evidence anywhere of a man fathering a child that is on dialysis as on dialysis they are infertile! should this not be made aware to all renal staff, cause believe me it came as a mega shock to us, we had no idea! and then to be told that the fertility mey never come back due to dialysis is heartbreaking, so not only have they now had us waiting 18 mths for a transplant where we have the donor already, they are also taking away our chance of having a family by keeping jack on dialysis! i am just so fed up of it all! i sit and think what is the point in my life? why am i here, i dont serve a purpose, i may never be a mum, so am i just going to live like this forver, stressing and worrying, making myself ill, being depressed and having the doc putting me on prozac!, i dont want to live a life like that, and sometimes its easy to understand why my mums 2 sisters both committed suicide, life can seem so unfair and cruel sometimes. you try to d your best by every one, be a good person but things just get worse, and you wonder what you did that was so wrong. so anyway yesterday my doc said i was stressed and depressed! (i'm 28 its my bday soon, should i not be happy) we just need this transplant so we can at least be trying to get our lives back on track! so i have to try and de stress a bit! try!! try !! try!! so then i went to work, took my note in, an on the way home whilst sat in traffic some idiot who claims he couldnt use his pedals properly because he is a wheelchair user crashed into the back of us at over 30 miles an hour, so as if we dont have enough time at the hospital we then spent the rest of the day there getting checked out, well i was ok, my wrist is a bit sore and my back, but i'm ok, darren was a tad diff as his seatbelt runs across his lines so it dislodged them and bruised all the area around them, so he had to have them flushed and today they will check they still work on the machine if not its another gruelling time having a central line put in! he also has a sore neck and shoulders, soft tissue damage the doc called it. so whilst trying not to stress!!!! i was ringing insurance, ringing rac, car hire place etc! wgat a bloody nightmare, finally last night at 7pm we got another car and ours was taken for repair, its only 6mths old, poor car! so i was totally stressed the day got to me again! and i ended up in tears again! we sat and had a heart to heart and both cried and i was given the option to walk away fro it all, jack told me to leave him and find a man that i could have a baby with and that wasnt ill and didnt cause stress, he was vrying his eyes out, i was too, it was awful, but i told him i'm going no where, i love him for what he is, not what he can or can't give me, i saw my brothers ex girlfriend leave him due to something familiar it destroyed him, but that isnt the reason i am staying put, i am doing it out of love, and hopefully,my tears should stop and i can smile all the time, rather than just infront of people to put on a front! thanks for all the support from friends and family.x x x x