today is sunday

well today is sunday, i am feeling alot better than i did, jack is doing really well on hemodialysis, touch wood he hasnt been ill for a while, has sore lines and neck, but that is due to the car crash not any kidney problems. yipee! last week i was really really down, every day i was crying, but telling everyone i was ok, when really i felt sad, but over the weekend i have started to look at things a bit diff, at the end of the day until jack has his transplant we dont really know for definate if his fertility will return, if it does then we can try then, and if not the adoption people said that jacks illness shouldnt stop him from adopting as it isnt anything that can put a child in any danger or that they could catch, so that was good news,dont get me wrong i would rather have our own child but if we cant then at least i am more prepared for it now, i have had a couple of weeks of being upset etc, dont get me wrong seeing people around me having babies is quite upseting, but i will have to deal with that in my own way as it happens,one of my friends is in the same situation, and if she is invited to christenings, babies birthdays etc then she makes an excuse not to go, as it is too hard to bear, i hope i am not like that, but if it is a bit too much then its handy advice, i am on a strict diet now, to be in the best possible health i can be if jack gets his fertility back, lots of fruit and veg, no junk, and plenty of excercise, the dogs are loving all the walks, and i enjoy just wandering through the fields taking in the fresh air clearing my head! hopefully if the transplant is this year then this time next year maybe i could be pregnant myself? who knows, i know we have a big thing to go through with the transplant and it has to be successful before we can even think about babies, but jack is strong he got through it before, and he will again, and i hope i will be too, i need to get myself mentally strong again ready for the transplant, i have never ever felt fragile before, as in my mind, well not as much as i have in the last few weeks, it has just been a big pit of bad luck, i was thinkung about it last night, and in the last 2 and a bit mths, which is what it all stems from alot has happened, it started with jack being rushed into hospital, major high blood pressure and headaches that were so bad he wasnt with it and they thought he had jad a stroke, sorting out the care for him properly, then my grandad died, my cousin told me she had a brain tumour, we found out jack was infertile after trying and getting no where, we found out someone close was having a baby the day after we were told we couldnt, then we had a car crash! i am so unlucky, so when the doctor told me she thought i was a bit depressed i said dont be daft! but looking at the bigger picture i was, still am in some ways, but last week i couldnt see a way out, but over the weekend ive been able to think long and hard and see a way out even if its not completely, i m sure it will be one day. its my birthday this week, but jack is in hospital for my bday till 10pm ish, so i will be home alone, well i will have the pets and my mum and dad might visit me, so i will be ok, anyway thats my update for today, not much to report in, but it is something and i got to vent a bit of depression into my computer!

hello hello, i am so bored, i feel like i am going out of my mind and that i am boring people stupid with the same thing! i can honestly say that i have never ever felt as low as i do at the moment, i have felt sad and a bit depressed before and thought, oh i will be ok, but today and the last few days i feel like i am trapped in a big hole, it seems everyone around me is happy and doing happy exciting stuff, and i am just sat here with life passing me by, i wonder if i am just being ridiculous or if i am justified to feel like this? and i dont know? i keep crying at the most stupid thing! jack just left to go to dialysis, and when he shut the door i cried my eyes out, its another boring lonely night in for me! i use to think i was outgoing, i now feel as if i am about 60! if not older, nothing i ever do ever goes right, ever! and i am wondering how much more i can take. i feel like just walking and walking and walking when i was out with the dogs just, dont know where too, i feel really alone, and its horrible, i know i have darren, but he is going through enough himself, i dont want to bother his mum and dad, they have had a life of worry thinking about darren since he was a baby, my mum and dad have there own problems and live about 80 minutes away, my 2 closest friends have their own lives and get fed up of hearing about my troubles, they are young they want fun, not misery bags here! i had a really good best friend and she died when i was 21, she knew all my secrets i knew hers, and after she died there wasnt anyone else that knew all that, we had been frinds for along time, my mum and her mum are best friends still and heve been since they were 4! so the 4 of us use to do loads together, but we dont now, cause she isnt here, i miss her and wish i could tell her all this and have a laugh instead of feeling so sad. i am rambling now, but i needed someone to tell all this to, there isnt anyone else so a computer will have to do! and i will ahve to snap out of this bloody mood and downward spiral i am in, its my bday 2 weeks today and i will spend it on my own as jack is on dialysis on a friday night! i feel like i have nothing at all to look forward to anymore, just stress and worry and sadness, and i think alot about aunty maureen and aunty chris and stuff, oh well, time to go. x x x take care everyone x x x

it doesnt rain it pours

well it doesnt rain it our house, in fact it doesnt pour, we have bloody hurricanes! no really we do! well as you may see from yesterdays post we feel a bit sad at the mo, in fact i would say at the moment, with advise from my doctor that i am suffering from deppression! i feel a bit like i am useless, i am the one suppose to be strong, the transplant co ordinator was getting dates from birmingham this week and was due to ring us, she hadn't so i just rang her, but she is off sick and they dont know how long for, so i'm not sure who is doing her job at the moment, so that is another set back, we were hoping to have an update this week! well yesterday i went to see my doctor, i was in a right state, worrying about work, panicing, and basically just crying and feeling bad about everything going on in our lives at the mo, i feel like i am in a black hole i cant climb out of at the moment, when i see people i just smile and be my usual chirpy self, then come home and just be myself again, depressed. i am finding information from the nhs hard to get, we asked about how dialysis affects fertility, we were told, "urm not a great chance of getting pregnant on dialysis, we dont really know" so i sat up all night looking into it, there is no evidence anywhere of a man fathering a child that is on dialysis as on dialysis they are infertile! should this not be made aware to all renal staff, cause believe me it came as a mega shock to us, we had no idea! and then to be told that the fertility mey never come back due to dialysis is heartbreaking, so not only have they now had us waiting 18 mths for a transplant where we have the donor already, they are also taking away our chance of having a family by keeping jack on dialysis! i am just so fed up of it all! i sit and think what is the point in my life? why am i here, i dont serve a purpose, i may never be a mum, so am i just going to live like this forver, stressing and worrying, making myself ill, being depressed and having the doc putting me on prozac!, i dont want to live a life like that, and sometimes its easy to understand why my mums 2 sisters both committed suicide, life can seem so unfair and cruel sometimes. you try to d your best by every one, be a good person but things just get worse, and you wonder what you did that was so wrong. so anyway yesterday my doc said i was stressed and depressed! (i'm 28 its my bday soon, should i not be happy) we just need this transplant so we can at least be trying to get our lives back on track! so i have to try and de stress a bit! try!! try !! try!! so then i went to work, took my note in, an on the way home whilst sat in traffic some idiot who claims he couldnt use his pedals properly because he is a wheelchair user crashed into the back of us at over 30 miles an hour, so as if we dont have enough time at the hospital we then spent the rest of the day there getting checked out, well i was ok, my wrist is a bit sore and my back, but i'm ok, darren was a tad diff as his seatbelt runs across his lines so it dislodged them and bruised all the area around them, so he had to have them flushed and today they will check they still work on the machine if not its another gruelling time having a central line put in! he also has a sore neck and shoulders, soft tissue damage the doc called it. so whilst trying not to stress!!!! i was ringing insurance, ringing rac, car hire place etc! wgat a bloody nightmare, finally last night at 7pm we got another car and ours was taken for repair, its only 6mths old, poor car! so i was totally stressed the day got to me again! and i ended up in tears again! we sat and had a heart to heart and both cried and i was given the option to walk away fro it all, jack told me to leave him and find a man that i could have a baby with and that wasnt ill and didnt cause stress, he was vrying his eyes out, i was too, it was awful, but i told him i'm going no where, i love him for what he is, not what he can or can't give me, i saw my brothers ex girlfriend leave him due to something familiar it destroyed him, but that isnt the reason i am staying put, i am doing it out of love, and hopefully,my tears should stop and i can smile all the time, rather than just infront of people to put on a front! thanks for all the support from friends and family.x x x x

today i am sad

today i am feeling sad and really happy all at the same time, which is a very strange feeling, a close friend of ours has tonight rang us to say they are expecting, we are over the moon for them we really are, and we wish them lots of love and luck. however we did wnat our own baby and have been trying, only to be told that jack is virtually sterile on dialysis, so we were trying for nothing really, we had mixed messages from the hospital, but after looking into it and asking to see a specilaist about it, it seems that is the case, sometimes fertility can increase after a transplant, it depends how long someone has been on dialysis and tablets!(ANITHER REASON THE NHS SHOULD PULL ITS BLOODY FINGER OUT!) there have been cases of men having children after a transplant, but usually if it was a quick sudden renal failure follwed by transplant and getting well again, not from long term kidney problems, oh well at least i haver my health, so i should shut up moaning!