today is sunday

well today is sunday, i am feeling alot better than i did, jack is doing really well on hemodialysis, touch wood he hasnt been ill for a while, has sore lines and neck, but that is due to the car crash not any kidney problems. yipee! last week i was really really down, every day i was crying, but telling everyone i was ok, when really i felt sad, but over the weekend i have started to look at things a bit diff, at the end of the day until jack has his transplant we dont really know for definate if his fertility will return, if it does then we can try then, and if not the adoption people said that jacks illness shouldnt stop him from adopting as it isnt anything that can put a child in any danger or that they could catch, so that was good news,dont get me wrong i would rather have our own child but if we cant then at least i am more prepared for it now, i have had a couple of weeks of being upset etc, dont get me wrong seeing people around me having babies is quite upseting, but i will have to deal with that in my own way as it happens,one of my friends is in the same situation, and if she is invited to christenings, babies birthdays etc then she makes an excuse not to go, as it is too hard to bear, i hope i am not like that, but if it is a bit too much then its handy advice, i am on a strict diet now, to be in the best possible health i can be if jack gets his fertility back, lots of fruit and veg, no junk, and plenty of excercise, the dogs are loving all the walks, and i enjoy just wandering through the fields taking in the fresh air clearing my head! hopefully if the transplant is this year then this time next year maybe i could be pregnant myself? who knows, i know we have a big thing to go through with the transplant and it has to be successful before we can even think about babies, but jack is strong he got through it before, and he will again, and i hope i will be too, i need to get myself mentally strong again ready for the transplant, i have never ever felt fragile before, as in my mind, well not as much as i have in the last few weeks, it has just been a big pit of bad luck, i was thinkung about it last night, and in the last 2 and a bit mths, which is what it all stems from alot has happened, it started with jack being rushed into hospital, major high blood pressure and headaches that were so bad he wasnt with it and they thought he had jad a stroke, sorting out the care for him properly, then my grandad died, my cousin told me she had a brain tumour, we found out jack was infertile after trying and getting no where, we found out someone close was having a baby the day after we were told we couldnt, then we had a car crash! i am so unlucky, so when the doctor told me she thought i was a bit depressed i said dont be daft! but looking at the bigger picture i was, still am in some ways, but last week i couldnt see a way out, but over the weekend ive been able to think long and hard and see a way out even if its not completely, i m sure it will be one day. its my birthday this week, but jack is in hospital for my bday till 10pm ish, so i will be home alone, well i will have the pets and my mum and dad might visit me, so i will be ok, anyway thats my update for today, not much to report in, but it is something and i got to vent a bit of depression into my computer!